How not to be seen ... by the Sith
by Yogie
Summary: TPM meets with Monty Python's flyong circus - en explosive mix!


How not to be seen … by the Sith

By Master Yo-Gurt

Archive: Master & Apprentice, Fanfiction.net, all others please ask.

Category: Humor/Parody, PWP

Spoilers: ??? NAAEEEE!

Warnings: It's violent, it's brutal, it's … silly beyond words

Rating: PG-13 (some sexual innuendo … and some violence)

Summary: TPM meets Monty Python (on a regular basis now it seems. Can we get our own TPM/MP crossover category, please?). You'll see – or NOT!

Notes: Kaiburr started it, Fishgoat and DebVel continued it. I'm totally innocent!

Thanks to DebVel for posting the url [http://www.stone-dead.asn.au/sketches/][1] which provided the skeleton for this parody.

Actually, in hindsight, I noticed that it really helps in the enjoyment of this little piece if you had actually seen the original Monty Python sketch, as that one is a very visual one compared to the other crossovers that you may find in this archive. I hope it still work for you. Oh well!

Feedback: YES, YES, YES! Please at bogart_and_lily@yahoo.com

(_Cut to the lush swamp of Naboo, a wide-ranged shot of the edge of the swamp_)

****

Voice over (Chancellor Valorum) : In this picture there are 40 Jedi. Non of them can be seen. This film by the Jedi council was produced to show how _not_ to be seen, an increasingly important lesson in face of growing threat by the Sith.

[CAPTION on SCREEN: THE JEDI COUNCIL, Public Service Film no. 69, Para 27 "How not to be seen"]

****

Voice over: In this little film we hope to show you the value of how not to be seen. 

(_Cut to a sand dune on Tatooine_)

This is Anakin Skywalker, of Tatooine, Outer Rim Territories. He can not be seen. I'm going to ask him now to stand up. Anakin Skywalker, would you please stand up.

(_In the distance, Anakin stands up. A blaster shot is heard and Ani crumples onto the sand._)

****

Voice over: This demonstrates the value of not being seen. Obviously young Skywalker's Jedi training hadn't commenced to that vital point yet.

(_Cut to a grassy plain of Naboo_)

These are Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn and his apprentice Obi-Wan Kenobi of Coruscant. We can easily see the Master, but the apprentice can not be seen. Now where can he be?

(_Blaster shot fells Qui-Gon who slumps to the ground_). 

Now there is Obi-Wan, he was hiding behind his Master, doing naughty things to him from behind. Now that his Master is gone, he can easily be seen. (_Obi-Wan is cut down by Darth Maul_).

(_Cut to a swamp on Dagobah_)

****

Voice over: Master Yoda, formerly of the Jedi Council of Coruscant, is now hiding from the Sith on Dagobah, where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda. We can not see him. Master Yoda, would you please stand up!

(_After a moment, nothing happens_).

****

Voice over: Master Yoda has learned a valuable lesson. That is not to stand up. Well, after 900 years that is to be expected. However, he has chosen a very conspicuous planet to hide on.

(_Death Star approaches and blasts Dagobah to smithereens_)

(_Cut to Hoth, entrance of a Wampa liar, with three dead Taun-Tauns in front_)

****

Voice over: Luke Skywalker, also of Tatooine, and Jedi in training, has presented us with a poser. He could be in any one of the three Taun-Tauns. Very clever for a young Jedi. But we can soon find out.

(_left Taun-Taun is blasted away, right Taun-Taun explodes, middle Taun-Taun is blown up by a STAP. A muffled moan and a thud can be heard_).

Ah yes, he was in the middle one.

(_Cut to Mos Espa, with dozens of shops, land speeders, podracers and Dewbacks)_

****

Voice over: Junkshop dealer Watto has concealed himself extremely well. He could be almost anywhere. In one of the shops, hiding inside a speeder, or behind a Dewback. However, we happen to know that he's in that blue speeder on the left.

(_Speeder is blasted away by a huge explosion_)

(_Cut to the stateroom in the Naboo palace_)

****

Voice over: Queen Amidala of Naboo has developed a strikingly novel tactic of not being seen. She is dressed up as one of her handmaidens. We don't know which one she is. Oh handmaidens, would you please report to the Queen for hairduty?

(_Sache, Yane, Rabe, Sabe, and Padme file out of the stateroom and are blasted away one by one. Padme can be heard overheard saying "Oh shit! My cover is blown_")

(_Cut to a large starship_)

****

Voice over: These are the members of the Jedi Council of Coruscant. They have chosen a very cunning way of not being seen. When we called at the Temple we found that they had gone away on an important mission for the next two weeks, not telling anybody where they were going. The Council chamber was bolted and barred to prevent us from getting in. However, Senator Palpatine, a good citizen of the Republic, told us where they were.

(_Starship is blown away by an even bigger starship_)

(_Pan to Senate Chambers, cut to senatorial pod with Palpatine_)

****

Voice over: And here is the good senator (_blasted away leaving just his boots_).

(_Cut to a senatorial residence on Naboo_) Here is where Senator Palpatine lived (_residence is blown up. – Cut to Jabba the Hutt's palace_). And here is where Jabba the Hutt of Tatooine live who refused to talk to us (_palace blows up_). So did Han Solo who live in here (_Millenium Falcon explodes_), and over here (_lando's Clout city is blasted away_), … and of course here … (_a series of nuclear and planetary explosions a la Alderaan are seen_)

THE END (We hope)

   [1]: http://www.stone-dead.asn.au/sketches/



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